These days, I don’t really feel guilty for much. I tend to be compassionate about myself and realize that I’m doing my best with what I know. It’s harder to do things with hearing a voice because I’m constantly trying to block it out and prevent it from talking to me. Sometimes, I do things solely for keeping the voice quiet. So, I acknowledge that I’m still struggling to deal with the voice and that it sometimes prevents me from making leaps of progress in various areas of my life.
In the recent past, I’ve felt guilty about not keeping close certain relationships. But, I’ve realized that I’m better off in most cases. Some of these relationships were not exactly in alignment with what I value. They also might have not been that healthy.
I had one close friend who would get into toxic romantic relationships and who would often vent to me about it. Instead of taking a break from romance and re-evaluating her past relationships, she’d get herself into more trouble. I thought I could help her with it, but instead she’d do her own thing and get into even more trouble. When my health started deteriorating, she demanded me to be thankful to her for checking on me. I remember checking on her several times in the past, and I never demanded a thank you from her. It was just what friends do. Let’s be honest, who does that? Who visits someone in the hospital and then demands to hear a thank you? Don’t you just do it for your own sake, for being there for your friend, without expecting anything in return? For me, it was so weird because she would call me, and I thought we were just chatting as friends, having a mutually enjoyable conversation. It wasn’t like I was expecting her to call. It’s like if you were to hang out with your friend but don’t enjoy their presence, and then you expect a thank you. What? Anyway, I used to feel like I could have done more to keep her friendship, but I’m glad I don’t have to deal with such toxic behavior. I remember she complained to me about always having the same answer for “how are you”. Really? I can’t help it if I’m in the same mood most days. That’s just how I am. What, you want me to make up an answer?
Anyway, I don’t feel guilty about past friendships or relationships ending. I remember when I was unwell, I did wish I continued one relationship in the past. I felt like I could empathize with them more because of their struggles with health. But I forgot that when we were just friends, they expected me to talk to them like every day. Now, if I’m in a good place and I have a lot to say every day, sure, I might talk to you every day. But, it’s not a requirement. It’s more like sure, if you want to, go ahead. But at the time, I was stressed out with school and work. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone. And then one day when I tried to message them, I realized that they deleted me. I’m not angry about that. I just wish they didn’t expect me to be there all the time when I was dealing with my own problems and would like time to myself. When I’m dealing with a lot of stress, sometimes I close myself off so that I don’t end up spewing a lot of negativity to others.
So if it’s not guilt, what’s holding me back from taking action? I guess it’s more so the unwillingness to change. I feel easily drained these days to take action unless it’s something relatively easy for me.
I don’t feel guilt about my weight for example. I know it’s because I’ve been taking meds. I’m looking forward to the day I’m off meds. I don’t know if I’ll lose all the weight I’ve gained, but at least it won’t be going up because of it.
I don’t feel guilty about not exercising because I know I get tired out more easily than in the past. I just accept that I don’t move around as much as before. And also, with the pandemic, I haven’t really gone to dance classes or any classes like at the YMCA. I haven’t really had the motivation. It’s not about guilt, I just don’t want to.
I wonder if the lesson of guilt applies to me? Haha. Maybe not, but I’ll continue to answer the questions.
So one thing I’ve been procrastinating on is producing more music. I guess I feel overwhelmed or lazy at times. And, I wonder if it’s worth it. Hmm, maybe this could be a source of guilt? I don’t want to spend money on something unless it’s a very small amount or I know I’m going to use it. It’s why I procrastinated on buying Logic Pro X for a while. I thought, “Well, I hardly record myself singing now, so how do I know I’m actually going to use the program?”
I have another song cover I did a few years back that I haven’t posted to Spotify. I thought about it, but because the views are not as much as my one song cover that did very well, I’m hesitant to put money down to license it because I feel like I won’t get a return on my investment. But then again, honestly, it’s not even that much to put up. Worst case, I try it out and find out what songs do well and what songs don’t. I guess I can ask my friend to make an album cover for this song cover, post the song up, and see how it does. Worst case, it makes no money and I can blog or make a video about it. Best case, it makes some income and gains me some more listeners.
In the past, I struggled with doing several things. I wouldn’t explore my interests because I thought I had to follow this strict path of just focusing on “what makes money”, I guess. And also, I thought I couldn’t change certain aspects of myself like going vegan. But, I remember I removed a bunch of limiting beliefs and that gave me the confidence to pursue new ideas. I was vegetarian and vegan during times of my early to mid 20s. I tried exercising more. I learned Korean. I even got my first job out of college in Korea.
It’s a little harder to do things now because I certainly have some limiting beliefs that have developed over the past two years or so. It happened some time after I started to hear voices. I realized that I was struggling because I couldn’t figure out why the content of the voice was so negative at times. I remember I thought I removed a limiting belief of the voice that was causing it to be negative. But instead, it got even more negative. I almost wish I didn’t try to help it because of that. And then, I realized that it would always lean into the sphere of all possibilities, including the ones that are negative. Whereas I used to be in the mindset of optimism, the voice likes to dive into that “well what’s the worst-case scenario, and let’s fear that for a moment.” I used to lean on it for support and positivity, but after it became so negative virtually on its own, I realized that simply removing limiting beliefs wasn’t enough. Nowadays, I just hope that it disappears on its own. I’m not banking on it, but if it happened, I would be the happiest person ever. Sometimes that’s why I believe God wants me to be miserable, but that’s another narrative. Anyway, I don’t think simply removing limiting beliefs like in the past will help me to suddenly start making progress. I think I’d have to get rid of the illness first, which is the voice. Then, I can deal with my own thoughts alone and overcome those barriers. Right now, it’s hard because it’s like dealing with an entire different person who is abusive and narcissist towards you, and you’re being forced to live with them.
I guess something else that helped was taking small steps. I could do that again. Today, I edited the piano roll for a song I wrote. I wanted it to sound more melodic and dynamic. I didn’t spend a lot of time on it, just maybe 15 minutes. I could dedicate a few minutes each day editing or recording songs.
I’ve been asking the same friend of mine to help with the artwork, but these days, she’s pretty busy with work. She doesn’t always feel motivated to create artwork. She does it for me, but it takes her a while. I could try to find another artist to feature in my songs and ask them to create artwork for me. I could technically do it myself, but I’m trying to focus my efforts on what I enjoy most. So, I only want to create artwork if I enjoy it. Eventually with my music, I’d like to collab with others. I’ve been procrastinating on collabs because I don’t know how well it will work out. Some give up half-way. Some people’s work don’t sound as great. I don’t quite know how to find the right people, but I’m open to it.
Anyway, I’ve answered all the questions to today’s lesson of guilt. I’ve uncovered some areas of guilt and how I could address them. It took a while through my post though, haha. And also, I went on side-tangents. I also identified another source of small guilt, but didn’t address it in this post. Maybe I will in the future. Or, I’ll just think of it on my own.
2020-08-13
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