“Why did you summon me?”
Last Saturday, I was called to visit a different city that I had never visited before. Just the day before, I learned of an event that was taking place there. The only thing was, it was for a different Saturday. For some reason, I got the date confused with another event, and I ended up in this city instead. The location is not relevant for you, so I will omit where and focus more on what unfolded.
So the morning of, I wasn’t sure of when I would reach there. I eased into the day, meditating, setting intentions, calming, relaxing, stretching, gentle exercises, breakfast, getting ready in my own time… I didn’t really focus on when I would arrive, but that I would arrive. And learning about the significance of Jupiter’s path during this time, I determined certain outcomes for myself.
Eventually when I arrived at the train station in this city, I was drawn to walk down certain roads. I saw a sign of a “1” in Korean, and double/triple repeating digits. It was only when I arrived near the event place that I realized, oof, today was not the day of the event, ahaha… I was flustered for a moment, and then I literally laughed out loud. Then I thought, well hey, I needed to get some fresh air anyway.
I ended up messaging my friend Steve. He has this unique blend in perspective coming from a more analytical/mathematical background and delving more into the intuitive later in life (at least, that’s how I understand him!). So I thought, hey, he might offer a balanced perspective here. I didn’t expect him to respond right away, but I happened to catch him at a free moment. So he ended up encouraging me to dialogue with the energy space and to ask it why it summoned me there. And then I thought, yes, you’re right. Why did it bring me here, drawn in by this energy, will no hesitations or doubts?
I imagine that if someone else were in my position, they would have been upset or angry that they came all this way for an event that wasn’t even for that day. But instead, I found it humorous. I found it quirky, interesting… I told myself, hey, maybe this is exactly where I needed to be.
I ended up visiting a few different places there. I had many thoughts, in regards to my health specifically. One was about veganism and the idea of exploring that path again. But as Steve reminded me, it is a path that means you’re more attuned, more sensitive to energies… it could manifest in the physical sense. I had attempted veganism twice before. Both times, serious health problems came up. Even though my energy is more free flowing and my intuition is sharp as a vegan, the traumas of my physical body would be overwhelmed. As a meat-eater, I feel more grounded. As a vegan, I feel shaky. But as a meat-eater, I operate in almost a foggy state. Not quite as brain fog or mental fog, but that I cannot see things as clearly. As a vegan, I see shit before it hits. So there’s pros and cons to the body and mind as a vegan or meat-eater. On an ethical or moral level, I have pushed it to the side, but I know I’m not satisfied when I consume any animal products whatsoever.
Then, I thought of my rhomboid muscles, the muscles that are on your back near your shoulder blades… I came to realize over the past two weeks while focusing on health stabilization, that my left rhomboid muscles and shoulder blade have been working against me. I used to be on heavily sedating medication, and so I used to be in bed anywhere between 14-18 hours a day. If I spent any less time than that in bed, I’d feel even more miserable than I already did, simply because of how exhausted I was. I also unfortunately grew up hunching over at any moment, never having fully corrected my posture. Actually in my senior year of high school, my computer science teacher one time pointed it out and tried to get me to stand tall/straight, confidently. It felt so strange, and I knew he was right, but my mind was so broken then. I wanted to have courage, to be confident even, but it felt so foreign. Maybe in moments, I’d crack jokes and make my classmates laugh… Maybe I’d play on the keys… Maybe I’d lead a project. But in terms of my physical body, how could I stand like that? How could I communicate that energy?
In university, I discovered Steve’s blog, and that’s when those layers of doubt slowly started peeling one by one… and there was thousands of them. Thousands of stories I collected in my mind… Thousands of incidents, of abuse, of… so many events to unravel. And I realized, hey, I can be a different person. I can have a different mind. I want to be this… flourished version of myself. And at that moment, I might have felt cringe, I might have felt nervous… I might have hated the way I presented myself into the world, and what I felt or looked like in that moment… But eventually, I learned to love myself, imperfections and all. I learned to love the broken inner child, the one who was always crying but never comforted. The one who had to take on all the responsibilities, unguided, punished. The one who was forced to express gratitude despite having everything constantly taken away from her… I came to many realizations… My peers who would spit at me, literally kick me, because they were disgusted in this scared, people-pleasing child who didn’t even know how to be herself… She knew, but even grown adults would spew hatred against her, because she was too traumatized to find any comfort, to feel secure… Even now, tears well up in my eyes, remembering my child self. I wouldn’t wish that kind of life for anyone, ever.
But in university, I realized… I wanted to heal this part of myself. I knew I had much potential. I was unfocused, but that was because I didn’t have a foundation of stability in my life. When I had phases of stability, I thrived. When I was pulled back into certain energies or environments, people even… my life broke. My energy broke. And eventually, years later, my mind and body broke even more.
And then I was on these meds. These damn “meds”. And I know why I technically needed to be on them, but I was also trapped. And every time I think of this period of my life, I either get pissed off to oblivion, or I cry my heart out. Because I knew, I never needed to be heavily medicated to the point of being in bed for that long, with poor posture I never fully corrected, tired out of my mind and body, lying on my left side for that long, rounded shoulders, never replacing or at least flipping around the mattress… Without realizing it until this past week, I accidentally fucked up my left shoulder blade/rhomboid. :’)
When I was in occupational therapy, I was directed to do exercises to strengthen my overall upper body so that eventually my hands/wrists would find relief in general. I remember while doing the I’s, Y’s and T’s with dumbbells, my left rhomboid would always hurt first. And then I had to take breaks. And then I’d carry a bag, and that side would always hurt first. And then I was like, fuck, let me just work through this pain. And the pain kept persisting, kept signaling itself to me… And one day last week, I slowly performed these dumbbell exercises. My left shoulder blade just kep popping in and out of place. And not just the shoulder blade, but my rotator cuff. And of course, how many times can it pop before the muscle gets worn out quickly? On the one hand, I’m relieved that I finally figured out where the issue lies. But at the same time, I’m also so ticked off… Just years ago, I was working to be physically active and all… I’ve been doing it again this year. I’ve lost significant weight. But damn. Sometimes I wonder to myself, when does it end?
That Saturday, I visited a certain place to obtain a certain item I had been wanting to get more of. In two instances, I received a free ride. One was an Uber driver who cancelled the ride and felt compelled to give me a free ride. He said it was because of my energy, and he didn’t want anything in return; he said he couldn’t charge me. I would say I’ve never had that happen before, but this year something similar happened where a driver offered me a free ride on the way back somewhere. I couldn’t fathom that people would offer services for free like this without some hidden agenda. But, this driver from last Saturday affirmed that some people genuinely just wish well and pay it forward to others. The second instance was for my train ride, where the conductor decided not to charge me because he didn’t want me to accidentally be double charged for my first trip. He said I probably wasn’t, but he let me ride for free just in case.
My cough has persisted for two weeks. It’s been a struggle for me. First, it started off as cold-like symptoms. Then, I was congested. Then the congestion cleared up (mostly), but I would get this tickle every time I would practice singing, or if I was out for a bit in the cold. I’m not sure what to make of it. I’m trying to focus on other aspects of my work until it’s at a more optimal state.
This trip has reminded me to focus on my physical health more. I’ve already worked so much on my mind. I’ve been working a lot on my physical health this year. I mean, I still have extra fat that I’m working to cut out. But, I’ve never been able to walk as much, stand as much, or sprint as much as I have been lately. I’ve never been able to breathe as clearly. I’ve never been able to wake up so early, without an alarm, consistently. As a kid, I was very into sports. I used to play tennis, basketball, and would bike around. I tried for volleyball in middle school, but was scared out of it (by who else, lol, some of you can guess). I used to do cartwheels as a kid. I sucked at swimming, but I loved the water as a kid. My asthma was pretty bad and I was a weak kid, but I loved being active. So I was constantly running around, and then wheezing terribly, ahaaa. It actually really sucked back then… One time it got so bad, that I was in the hospital for a week, and that happened to be the week that we were on holiday in middle school.
So I’m telling myself, it’s not too late… This may suck, this may take a bit of troubleshooting to fully understand and fix, but… this is also the first year, when I actually somehow feel healthier than I’ve ever been. I still have to be careful with my hands, but as you can see now, I’m somehow typing this all out (and not through dictation). I still have to check with some healthcare professional about this left side of my back, but at least I know now where to start. And I might not feel the best every day, but my overall trend shows that I’m feeling better month to month. I’ve never truly felt so confident in myself as much as I have this year, not just faking it, but authentically feeling it. And all it took were these subtle shifts in my body language, my posture, my eye contact, my shoulders, my… everything. I didn’t realize I was wearing the wrong bra size for a while. Then I changed that, and suddenly I could look up again. And then even this year, I’ve noticed people responding differently just from my gentle but firm gaze, no longer being hunched off and emitting avoidant energy. I walk with more ease. That’s the other thing, I used to have this almost staggered way of walking. Now, I feel more comfortable walking, because I’m not hunched over in an odd angle. And I didn’t know how much these subtle shifts would affect me mentally and emotionally.
I visited a specific place from this city, and on Sunday connected with one of my dear friends. We knew of each other in high school, but only started connecting with each other and hanging out over a decade later. Her father passed away, so I visited her during shiva. I brought some snacks from the place, and her older sister mentioned how she also visited there. I also brought some perfumes. And get this, if I didn’t bring those perfumes, I wouldn’t have triggered this conversation… Apparently, my friend’s older sister was involved in a terrible car accident, where she lost her sense of smell altogether from brain damage. And there were other parts of the story, where I was just… speechless. No one would ever be able to tell, unless she volunteered that information. And her story, and my friend’s story, had me seriously thinking… about the mystery of life, the accidents that happen to us… my story even. The majority of people who meet me perceive me as “normal”, as functioning, as able-bodied, as anything but ill. And it’s true. I am a functioning individual. But, most would never guess any of my health issues at all from first interaction.
I genuinely believe that “suffering is overrated”. And I genuinely resist the idea of resilience. But, I cannot deny, I have suffered, in almost every form. I have developed resilience, and obviously not by choice. But I don’t desire to be strong in the sense of overcoming a horrific challenge. I desire to determine and face my own challenges. I desire to set the objectives. I’m not asking for someone or something, even a greater high being, to set the objectives for me. I want to clear out whatever path was there, and replace it with my own obstacle course. I don’t need to know every single outcome, but I have a general map that I’d like to follow.
Even though I arrived at this city for another purpose, I do feel that it was in part related to my greater plans, the collective energy that I have been aligning in. It’s funny because especially for the past close to a decade, I didn’t consider myself “spiritual”. But many who have crossed my path consider me to be spiritual. I’m not religious, but I do get curious of religion. I don’t often pray, but I set intentions energetically, I use affirmations, I visualize, I script… Others have said I’m intuitive. That when I closely listen to my intuition, I get it right. But maybe times, slight doubts creep in… That’s another reason I’d like to clear my energy by delving back into veganism.
I would say, this small trip was worth my while. It led to various ideas, conversations… It inspired me to blog again, because as you can see, I haven’t blogged much at all this year. I had some song inspirations as well, but for some reason felt called to almost free write. (I say almost, because I’m also editing as I’m typing, but a lot of this is just continuous free flow of thoughts.)
I’m still open to the energy space of this past weekend, to fully understand what it was that pulled me in, what the intent was… There are other aspects that I’m not fully disclosing here. In closing though, I like this concept that Steve has inspired, of dialoguing openly with the energy space. Instead of closing it off and dismissing it, to approach it with curiosity. That’s one of my core values: curiosity. When I have a judgment or assumption about a situation and it doesn’t feel aligned, I like to use the lens of curiosity to uncover what else is there. I’m reminded of my lighter state, when people approach me in anger or disappointment (not that this is often, but just as an example), I’m more likely to be curious now than defensive. I’ve grown a lot of defenses from being in this poor body condition for years. But now that my physical state is improving, I feel my mind clearing… When someone shares something dark and heavy in the moment, I’m more compassionate… I feel more grounded. I love this almost home state of being. I’m looking forward to this new… book, almost. It’s the new book in my journey. I’ve allowed myself to catapult into this new reality.
Oh, I almost forgot… There was a lot of chaotic energy that I was around, in terms of business and career, finance… It has been resolved. I’m not sure if further corrections are in my path, but as of now, I’ve learned to fully trust my own intuition. To fully create my own vision. It’s oddly scary to re-explore this area of my life, since being stripped of my own autonomy for so many years… And when I feel the fear, I also feel the slow boiling rage… But it fuels me. It reminds me why even more than ever, I need to act on it. And that in every moment of fear, it’s just one step forward that reminds me, oh wait, this isn’t so bad after all.
And most importantly, unfettered belief in myself… I love myself fully, and I experience the life that I desire. I manifested all the goodness in my life because I know that I deserve it. And, I am open to all the blessings that come my way.
Thank you Universe, for reminding me of who I am.