I haven’t been posting much in terms of music, nor blogging, nor video content. I’ve been feeling quite lethargic. I’ve been struggling since I’ve been back on medications. The meds have some side effects, and the major side effect that I’m dealing with is fatigue and tiredness. I feel like a zombie for a huge chunk of my days.
I thought that this year, I’d be more productive, creative, and overall be making more of a living or advancing in my music/TikTok career. But instead, I had to take a backseat and just allow myself to be still or even revert back in some ways.
Self-care has been hard to keep up with. There are evenings when I don’t have the energy to even brush my teeth. That actually happened last night, so I at least rinsed my mouth before going to bed. But, even that took some convincing. Habits are hard to maintain on these types of medications (anti-psychotics), at least the one I’m on. Everything feels like an uphill battle.
I’ve been reluctant to post anything because I didn’t have much of anything “positive” going on. I felt like I was failing at everything. And though I am making progress in some ways, I didn’t always feel “presentable” or as if I had anything good to share.
I found out through reading about other people’s experiences on these same meds that I take, that a lot of people feel like zombies or tired or unproductive or as if they can’t do simple, basic things like brushing their teeth. I found out that I’m not the only one struggling, and that depressive symptoms can get worse. I wondered why I was crying a lot at times, which was quite unusual for myself. I usually just power through and try to make the best out of what I have, but I couldn’t deal with the tiredness and not feeling like I’m progressing much in my life.
I wanted to do more music this year or at least have something ready for the new year. But instead, I have a lot of unfinished drafts sitting on my desktop. I bought new sound equipment, but I’ve barely used it. I feel like such a fraud. And I know it’s not exactly my fault, this is just how it is on these medications. But I can’t help but feel like, where is my life going? Where am I heading? What goals can I set that I can actually achieve realistically given what I’m working with? I don’t know.
Today at least, I feel content that I can write this blog post, even if it isn’t as motivational or positive. But, I am trying to spin it to be more uplifting in some way. And that is, I’m trying to allow myself the time and space to heal. Besides, the healing journey can look so many different ways. And sometimes, as sad as it can be, some people don’t get a chance to heal. At least I get some chance, I hope.
Allowing myself the time and space to heal looks like sleeping a lot of hours during the day. It’s not because I want to necessarily spend all that time sleeping, but because it’s what my body needs or wants from me. Off meds, I do just fine with 6-8 hours of sleep. But on these meds, for whatever reason or because of how they work, I get 12-15 hours of sleep a day. I know, yikes. But that’s part of what I need to accept in this healing journey.
Another part is allowing myself to not be as productive or not do as much. I had goals such as submitting my song cover Oppa to Korean/Japanese streaming services, and I don’t know when exactly I’ll be able to do this. I have some idea of how. But because of my personal circumstances, it’s tricky to figure out and make sure that I don’t jeopardize my health insurance with my finances. I’m kind of in a catch-22 because I’d like to earn more, but I also want to make sure I don’t lose my health insurance in the process, in case I need to go to the hospital again. I don’t think I’ll need to go again, but I’m also unsure because I was in the hospital earlier this year. That one I predicted would happen, that I would have another psychosis. And I guess even now, I stress out a fair bit and am worried that I am prone to psychosis again.
I often feel the struggle of wanting to do more, but also at the same time needing to slow down. I need to slow down to ensure my health and safety. But, I’m also in the back of my mind wanting to go, go, go and do everything. And I can’t. That’s my reality right now. I can’t be the go, go, go person that I’d like to be. It’s not my current reality. (Sounds like a song I could write, maybe.)
I still have a few goals in life, though I don’t know exactly when I can accomplish them. One is to produce a song hit, something at least semi-viral. Another is to write a book. I had a book idea, and then it felt meaningless or like something I couldn’t write after being hospitalized/medicated. It was based on coping skills and diversions, and then I felt like I wasn’t doing that myself during my recovery, so I scrapped the idea. And the other was for companionship, a life partner.
I wanted to get into streaming maybe, though my setup is kind of strange for it. I’ve been meaning to organize my office space, but I feel a lot of mental clutter when I try to sit down to do it. Again, part of it might be the meds. My thoughts are slowed down and it’s hard to concentrate/focus. Even some light reading is difficult to do.
A lot of it though is, I need to give myself time and space to heal. I need to allow myself to be in the dark, or to not being doing much of anything at all. Or maybe, to give myself one simple target/goal at a time. For example, these days I’ve been practicing driving again. I hadn’t driven since 2018, when I pulled to a parking spot at the post office and told my mother that I was too tired to drive. And it was true. I used to be worried about the voice taking over my driving. Even these days, I’m a bit worried. It happened one day that the voice was influencing my driving. But I could still do it. And I’m still determined to drive despite it, just as people have distracting thoughts or use their cell phones while driving. I’m not much different, except that I have a voice/split, and I can manage it.
I guess driving will be my target for now. And then, I’d like to focus on something else that involves outward action. Maybe it could be blogging? Or it could be creating music again. Or exercising a few times a week. Or socializing. Or even writing a draft to a book. I’d like to focus on one of these, or something else that feels meaningful. Learning could be another target, though that’s focused inwards. I’d like to focus on some sort of output. Afterall, that’s why I’ve been feeling stuck or down/depressed.
I think I feel good when I have some sort of outlet throughout my day. So, that could be talking to a friend. Or writing a post like this one. Or posting a picture with a caption of how I’m feeling. Or during the HealthyGamer challenge of Right in the Feels, posting a journal entry of how I’m feeling with a bodymap picture showing where I’m feeling what along with my emotion. One day, I posted a TikTok, after a long time. Maybe I’ll post more TikToks just to share how I’m feeling/doing. I’d like to get back into music. That’s my primary aim, though I don’t know when exactly I’ll be able to do that and for how long.
Today, I’m content that I took the time to write this post. It feels a bit all over the place and as if I don’t have an exact point. But, I feel like I expressed myself and shared an experience of what it is like being on antipsychotics. It’s not fun. Sure, it might keep you out of the hospital. But it doesn’t add much quality to life, otherwise. I feel it. I experience it. I don’t know when they’re going to figure it out, but I’d like for there to be antipsychotics that aren’t so dampening in terms of a person’s liveliness. I feel so dull and as if my passion for life has faded. I wouldn’t say I’m exactly depressed, but I have a lot of depressive symptoms thanks to the tiredness.
I think… I’m gonna try to write more. That could be blogging, or it could be writing a book. Or, it could be me resuming my 10 ideas a day lists. Or just brain dumping on my Obsidian app. I’ve stopped bullet journaling too, and I think I’d like to return to it, even if they’re just simple to-do lists.
And maybe I’ll figure out streaming. I’ve been playing Stardew Valley, and it’s been fun. I don’t quite know how I’d stream it on my Mac, but I could try.
2022-12-28