This blog post is inspired from Steve Pavlina, who recently wrote this post to wrap up 2022.
What is it like being me?
Being me feels difficult. It can be simple. It can be easy. But usually, I am longing for more. Or, I want to be afforded the same things as other people. Or, I wish my avatar were more accommodating to society’s standards. That somehow, I wouldn’t be much different from others. And I’m not. I’m not all that different from others. But at the same time, I have unique circumstances or parts of myself.
One thing that is difficult is that as I’ve aged, although I am still considered young, I feel down about my beauty. I long for hairlessness at times because it’s simpler. It’s easier. A hairless girl doesn’t have to worry about being ostracized or rejected due to her hairlessness. But a hairy girl, as cute as that could be for a story, practically speaking is difficult. When it comes to dating, hairy girls often times shave. Or men expect hairlessness. That’s what it seems. I try to compromise by saying that hairlessness is sometimes something I desire, but not always. For example, I’ll shave my face every week or so because I prefer the appearance of a smooth face. And I’ll thread my eyebrows at least once a month. It’s winter now, so I haven’t shaved my legs in a couple of months. But I’ll say that I would like to wear dresses or a swimsuit in the springtime/summer, so I’ll probably shave my legs then. I’ll shave my armpits too because I think it looks nicer in short sleeves. But otherwise, I won’t touch my arm hair. I won’t touch the hairs on my stomach or my back. I’ve compromised in that way, so that I don’t have to constantly be removing hair from every part of my body. And, I hope I find a man who can accept me for being hairy or not being hairy or whatever, just accept me as I am and not care either way. I know there are men who actually prefer women to be hairy even, but I haven’t found one who I’ve wanted to date necessarily. And I think that comes to patience, and also not feeling down about my appearance just because someone else doesn’t find it pleasant or appealing.
I worry about my weight. I know it’s not exactly my fault because when I was off meds, I was able to lose a chunk of it. And now that I’m back on meds, I’ve gained the weight back, and it’s difficult for me to lose it. I’m terrible at calorie counting, and I don’t think it’s right to starve myself when I’m feeling hungry. I don’t deprive myself. But at the same time, I poke my belly and wonder if it’s ever going to flatten, or if this is just how the rest of my life will play out. I wonder if it’s possible to stay consistent with going to the gym and if it will make much of a difference at all. I just hope at the very least, my cholesterol will somehow be in control and that I won’t have to worry about having diabetes.
I feel like I have to make myself look nice or presentable before going out. And, that is nice to do, to dress up or to put my hair up a special way or to wear glittery eyeshadow once in a while. But other times, it feels like such a hassle, spending hours getting ready or taking the extra 10-15 minutes to shave my legs in the shower. I wish I had a nicer preset look that I could just get up and change my clothes quickly and people would still find me attractive/beautiful. I’m sure people don’t care either way, but I care. And, I’d like to be attractive to whoever I’m dating too. I don’t want to just be a dusty sack of potatoes.
These days, I spend most of my time in bed. Even if I have frequent nightmares, I still lie in bed for almost half of my day or longer. I get up feeling tired. I go throughout most of my days feeling tired as well. This is just how it is on my medication, and I hope that it either improves or that I can lower the medication sometime so that I don’t have to worry about being tired all the time.
Being me means worrying about whether I am “interesting enough” for other people. I’m always trying to find something to say or something to do, as if it’s never enough. I wish I could just be content with how/who I am and feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m always trying to find something more exciting to share with others, even if there’s not much exciting going on. I’m uncomfortable with silence when I’m with other people. I’d like to feel more comfortable with silence.
Mostly because I experience another personality (D.I.D.), I feel down and depressed more often than I’d like to. I think if I was simply tired, it’d be one thing. But some days, I get so down by how “unproductive” I am. I feel like I should be doing more, tying into why I don’t feel interesting enough. And I get it, it’s our natural desire to want to do more and to grow and to experience more things in life. But at the same time, I’d like to feel content with not doing anything more in particular and to just relax/unwind. Instead of pushing for a vlog or Instagram pictures every time I go out or needing to stream every time I game, I’d like to just vibe and enjoy my time, with others or by myself.
A lot of my days are spent alone, not doing much in particular. Though this year, I’d like to at least try getting into writing, whether that’s blogging or drafting a book or drafting an app. I’d like to share my thoughts rather than just have them sit in my head and grow like weeds. And I’d also like to have a romantic partner, someone who I can confide it and spend time with and grow together with. Maybe I’d get into cooking and would cook for them as well. Or maybe we’d exercise together, and it wouldn’t matter how my tummy rolls.
I spend a lot of time anxious, worried, depressed. When I’m social, I generally feel alright. I think maybe I’m just feeling lonely, which I guess is normal with how long the pandemic went on for, and how alone I was when I first experienced psychosis. As I age, I think about it even more, how I’d like to have a companion. And maybe if I were less tired, I’d be up for traveling or swimming or dining out or anything really.
This is how I am now. I hope in the new year, I’ll feel more comfortable with myself. I’ll be more unapologetic. I’ll feel less tired. I’ll have better dreams and less nightmares. I’ll be more creative. I’ll be healthier. I’ll feel more energetic. I’ll meet a lifetime partner. I’d like for all of that to come true and more. Do you think it’s possible for me? I know it’s possible. I don’t know how to make that all happen necessarily, but I’ll try my best.
I don’t think 2022 was my worst year, despite having psychosis again. I think my worst year genuinely was 2019. But the second half of 2022 was quite disturbing to me. I hope 2023 is happier and more pleasant and less depressing/worrisome. I hope that I evolve as a person and that it’s in a more optimistic light. And, I hope that life itself feels less difficult and more light and playful this year.
2023-01-02