“Abandoning” the Low Buy Challenge

I haven’t completely abandoned the no or low buy challenge, but I actually realized after looking into my spending (lol, how embarrassing) that I hardly spend anything at all. 😂 As in… yes, I spend. But compared to the average person? In comparison to how much I save and invest? I’m pretty minimal in my spending. If I had to give you a total (not including my big Black Friday/Cyber Monday spending, and not including food), it’d be in a few hundreds. Seriously.

Why was I so keen on doing a no buy or low buy challenge in the first place? Becaaaaause… I want more disposable income to subsidize a more lavish lifestyle, of perhaps travel and experiences and such. So does that mean I’ll focus on earning more income instead? Yes, and no. Yes as in… I’d like to engage in more money-making activities whenever possible. But at the same time, I’d rather focus on my health overall. A lot of my health issues feel out of my control, but I’m trying my best. I really am.

Deep down, I am an ambitious person. It’s just masked under layers of symptoms and side effects, namely low and unfocused energy. It’s not really an excuse as much as it is my reality. Again, it’s kind of embarrassing to mention, but it’s the truth. I have a disability. It’s really tough for me to work an average job like the average person. So ideally, as I am now, I work remotely or in my own time. I “set my own” hours mostly. I don’t earn as much honestly, but that’s how my life is functioning right now. If I could have all that energy back, I would be working on music full-time, probably streaming, doing YouTube, building eCourses, writing more, etc. I’d basically be engaging in a lot more creative activities, that would hopefully turn into income-generating assets.

But my average day honestly sucks in terms of productivity. Maybe I get a couple of chores or errands done in the day. I’m mostly trying to fight off sleep. I sometimes go out an socialize. I sometimes get myself to go for a walk, especially if the weather is nicer. I work on one creative activity, maybe, and then I push it to the side and leave it unfinished for the next few months to years. You’d think full-time content creation would be easier than an average job for someone like me who could do it in their own time. Buuut… my unfocused low energy drains me.

I have a lot of unfinished “tasks”. I have courses that I haven’t completed, and I don’t know if I’ll get around to them. I have songs that are stuck in drafts. I have videos that are unedited. These are the important ones that I’m mentioning. Because… life is full of unfinished projects, right? You’ll never get around to everything. But, I’d like to progress in some of these areas.

This is honestly when I wish I was “average” at least. Because the average person has more energy. Thus, can more easily optimize their 24 hours vs. me. I sleep a lot… I am idle a lot… It’s like I’m swimming through mud while everyone else is floating in clear water. And the surprising part of all this is that I actually somehow have more energy that several months ago. Back then was much worse.

I know it can be dangerous to attach your self-worth to certain ideals or values. Like for example, I value my own self-productivity. And so whenever I was in a slump with medications, not being productive at all, kind of surrendering to it and feeling miserable, I had really dark and depressing thoughts. I don’t completely beat myself up over it these days, but… I still hunger to be productive. I still want to do more. I want to have meaning and purpose. And… I think it’s actually quite normal for most people to feel this way to some extent. But then… I have a problem with just “being”. I feel like I’m regressing when I’m not pushing forward. And at the same time, I’m trying not to stress myself over it because stress could lead to my health condition being triggered. *sighs* Though, don’t I sound stressed out right now? Sheesh…

Okay, anyway. My point is, I’m not doing the low buy challenge anymore, as apparently I already live that way. And… I’m gonna be honest, if my life continues at this trajectory, I don’t even know if there’s a purpose to me blogging anymore. I feel like I’ve stopped being growth-oriented ever since being put on meds. It really sucks. And I wouldn’t wish my condition on anyone. Well… maybe to my worst enemies. 😉 Just so they can feel how much it can suck. But seriously… my life seems nice sometimes, but if I let the darkness take over, it really… feels so empty at the same time. I guess that reminds me of Christ, about possessing nothing but at the same time having everything. Is that where I’m at right now? Is my life Christ-like right now?