A goal that I can test in 10 minutes is seeing how many words I can learn from watching Running Man by actively writing words down that I don’t know. I’m going to test this right now. I will continue watching 5 minutes of a show from where I last left off. I will write down the words I don’t know, and then translate them either by pausing the show in between or waiting until after the 5 minutes is up. I want to see how many words I can learn this way. My prediction is 5 words.
So I just tried it. I went a little over time, but basically, my prediction was on track. I got a word per minute by consciously writing new words I didn’t know down. So if I were to do this every time I watch Running Man (or any Korean show with Korean subtitles), I’d be able to write down 60 new words per hour. Since each show is usually 80 minutes or longer, I could learn maybe 80 words per episode. And since I usually watch one episode a day, it’d be 560 words per week. That’s over 2000 words a month, or over 29000 words per year. Instead of just watching passively, this might be useful in reaching an advanced level of fluency in Korean. Even if I don’t remember all of the words I learned or there were some overlaps, even if I only remembered 25% of it, it’d be useful learning that many new words.
Some people I know have moved out and are living on their own now. One person I know in particular was able to set up passive income for himself before moving out. The way he did it went against my expectations. Most people I know get a job after they move out. But, he was able to set passive income up for himself in just a year of focusing on that. I assumed that passive income would be hard to set up, especially as a first-timer. But, he was somehow able to learn it and eventually could move out and pay for all his expenses. I imagine that if I put the same effort into music, I’d be able to make a decent amount of passive income that would be able to cover all my living expenses so I could move out on my own without relying on a full-time job.
I keep thinking about creating an online course or setting up some service where I can teach people a skill (such as learning Korean or producing music), or I think about producing music. But, I haven’t done anything for a while. I don’t know where to start, or I don’t “feel” like it’s a good time at any time. I guess if I want to start with producing a song cover that I’ve been thinking of, then I should start off with a small goal. Maybe I can start with editing the song 5 minutes a day when I’m looking for the first thing to do on my computer.
Ramit talks about how in the past, he didn’t like setting goals because he had trouble achieving them. That’s how I feel. I usually set so small of a goal just because I have trouble wrapping my mind around even medium goals. I guess it’s not bad to set even such small goals, but I tend to avoid making goals altogether. I don’t like seeing that I’ve failed at doing something. Just like before, I just kind of stumbled into blogging daily a few different time periods, but I never intentionally went, “I’m going to blog every day for the next month!” It just kind of happened. And before, I remember I set a goal to release a mini-album by my birthday. That never happened (though that had more to do with going through psychosis and being hospitalized than anything else, but I was so upset when I missed my deadline and I was hospitalized on my birthday instead). I’d rather surprise myself and do something extraordinary without setting a goal for it than set a goal and maybe miss the mark. That’s how I feel. But by not setting goals, I miss a lot of opportunities to do more I guess. Because I don’t have that target, I’m just kind of wandering aimlessly.
I also feel some resentment to my parents. I know they’re just trying to be helpful, but I feel like they really got in my way of accomplishing for example debuting with my album years ago by trying to force me to take meds. And I know they meant well, but not reaching that goal ended up hurting me and preventing me from wanting to publicly make announcements about doing certain projects. Like, what if I get hospitalized again? I know it doesn’t make me a failure, but I hate the idea of not reaching a goal that I set up for myself. So, it hurts mentally. And now, honestly, I don’t want to do much in general until I move out. Like, I’m not interested in dating for example, or filming mukbang videos, or even really being successful at anything. I’m a little interested in passive income only as a means to move out. I feel selfish in this way. I don’t want to succeed in anything big while I’m still with my parents, because then I think I have to thank them for my success. I’d rather be “successful” once I move out so I can claim it for my own. Does that make sense? I know it seems silly, but I guess it’s what happened from building up my resentment towards them. I kind of shove these feelings to the side and don’t really acknowledge them, but it’s how I feel deep inside because of my experiences with them over the years.
I went on a side tangent. The purpose of this lesson was to practice setting goals. Even if you fail, you can adjust them and learn from them. And eventually, you will be hitting your goals regularly. I think I just had to acknowledge kind of some reasons why I don’t regularly set goals. I think living at my parent’s home is a hindrance from me working on myself, to be honest, because I don’t have to. And honestly, I don’t want to.
Today especially, I’m kind of annoyed, because I checked my weight and I’m at my highest point. This is even after decreasing my medicine dosage weeks ago, and it’s the lowest dose I can have without completing stopping. And not only that, but for the past ten days, I’ve been walking the most amount of steps per day. I usually walk every other day and just go for two laps. I’ve been walking every day because my mom’s been pushing me, going three laps a day instead of just two, and I’ve gained weight. I didn’t even eat that much yesterday, and my weight is up. And my mom wants me to lose weight simply because she didn’t know how much I weighed before. I made the mistake of telling her how much I weigh after she tried guessing my weight. She was off by 20 pounds. So now that she has the number in her head, she’s been asking me to walk every day. And do you know how fucking terrible I feel that my weight is at its highest DESPITE walking more frequently, longer, eating less, consuming less medication, and this is what happens? Seriously? Stuff like this demotivates me from wanting to set goals sometimes. And especially if my parents are pushing it, I feel more resentment towards them, as if they did something wrong.
Anyway, I’m going to stop ranting… I avoided this lesson on Success Triggers for a while because I saw the study question right away and had trouble coming up with something to do. It asked to set a goal right away that you could test in a short amount of time, and I didn’t know what to do. So, I skipped that lesson. But anyway, I’m not really sure how this course is helping me. I feel like I’m not learning much. Or if I am, I have other roadblocks. One thing I know for sure is that I’d like to live on my own. But of course, another thing that is going on is COVID-19. So in the meantime, I might as well work on passive income to help with the next step. I’ll end the post here. I’m going to write a follow-up post, probably something along the lines of “I don’t want to be the victim, but…”.
2020-09-22
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