Sometimes, I Feel Like a Victim

I don’t want to sound like a victim, but I can’t explain parts of my life without blaming external sources sometimes. Like when it comes to hearing voices, I have no idea in hell why I started hearing voices in the first place. Where did it come from? Because I certainly had no fucking clue that I could hear voices in the first place. I thought people just had thoughts, and some thoughts could be complete sentences like, “I’m a failure.” But the idea of something being in your mind or talking out loud physically with your mouth being able to control you and create independently thought out and crafted sentences is wild. Like, why would I ever want that, and what the hell happened to me? Who the hell cursed me into hearing voices? Like seriously, who hated me so much that they wished this upon me?

I used to love God, but now I don’t feel anything for him. At one point, I felt hatred. Now, I don’t know. On one hand, I think God is not what people say in the Bible. I feel like people misunderstood certain ideas. I feel like Abraham was mentally ill and hearing voices himself, not hearing God. For a while, I was tricked into thinking I was hearing God telling me to do certain tasks or implanting ideas in my head. Then, I realized it was just “the voice”, not God. Because God is supposed to be loving, right? Why would He want to harm you, or ask you to harm others, or do anything that is sinful or wrong in its nature?

And then I thought, maybe God is good, but just has no power on earth. Like, maybe he can’t really heal us or protect us. Maybe it was something else. Because if God didn’t give me this voice (and He better not have, because that’s just fucked up), then how could He take it away?

And then, that becomes a question of, well how did I end up hearing voices in the first place? And why was my mind thinking in this peculiar way? I never asked for this, so I definitely feel like a victim. I’ve had one doctor in the past say that I should take responsibility for creating this voice so that I can also take responsibility for getting rid of it, but I don’t necessarily agree. That’s like saying you chose your parents, and therefore if they abuse you, it’s your fault. No. Your parents chose to have you, and then they chose to abuse you. The only responsibility you have to yourself is to get out of the situation as quickly and as safely as possible, do what’s in your power, but never say that it was your fault. It never was. I sure as hell will NEVER take responsibility for the voice manifesting itself in me, and I sure as hell will be happy once it’s gone whether it is my own doing or with the help of something outside of myself.

Anyway, I have a lot of pent-up anger because of hearing voices. Like, I feel like my life went to hell and just rotted because of it. I lost a lot of motivation and drive that I had plenty of before I had psychosis. And, I had the potential for success and achieving my goals, my dreams, before hearing voices. But now, things have changed a lot.

I was forced to take meds (or else be hospitalized again and forced to take meds there), and I’ve consistently been gaining weight ever since first being put on meds. I’m so pissed because today, which is probably yesterday now at the time of this post, my body weight is at its highest, and I took it at the same time I take every time. I also upped my physical activity (walking every day instead of every other day, and also taking a lap of three times in the same route versus the two or less times that I usually do), I eat pretty much the same or even less at times, and I’ve lowered my meds. I’m actually at the lowest my med dosage can be without completely eliminating it. I’m done. You know, I’m hoping it’s just water retention, or muscle gain, or something else. But, I’m so fed up of seeing little or no progress, or even regression, when it comes to anything related to hearing voices. And I can’t help but feel like, “Why the fuck did this happen in the first place?”

Nowadays, I will admit, the voice is “better” because it’s quieter at night. But, it’s still there. And I know this is limited thinking, but I don’t know how it will “disappear” or if it ever will. And maybe it’s enough if it’s just quiet, but I’m so tired of walking on eggshells because of it. Like when I take a shower, I usually have to think of songs to sing in my head so it won’t talk out loud. I get so anxious that it will say something negative or scream/yell like it did in the past. Before, it was so hard for me to pull myself together to take a shower because of how it would yell out loud with my mouth and “pray” to God (more like try to terrorize God) and talk about death. It’s better now, but I still get frustrated at times. Like, I don’t care about small progress. I just want it gone. Why do I have to deal with this at all? Why don’t other people experience what I experience? Why have I never heard of a single human being who feels as if their body is possessed by another spirit or something similar? And why hasn’t this happened to my worst enemies, or people who have done much worse than me, or who have experienced even more extreme levels of stress than me?

I have to admit, this victim mindset caused me to change some decisions I’ve made, such as not sticking to a vegan diet. I started eating meat again, not out of hate to animals, but more of as hate to God. At one point, the voice had the idea that maybe God wanted me to eat animals again like “normal human beings” and be more “human-like”, not “God-like”, which in my mind is like doing the right thing all the time. And I thought maybe the voice would go away if I started eating animal products. Well, it’s been more than a year, and that certainly as hell was not the problem.

These days, I think that when I move out, I’d like to try to go vegetarian and then vegan again. For one, it didn’t get rid of the voice to eat animals again. And two, my non-vegan diet has not improved anything for me. It’s more convenient, sure. But, it’s definitely not “healthier”. It doesn’t do anything positive for the animals involved. And also, I feel like if I were vegan, I’d feel accomplished. Like, “Look at me, I don’t know why the hell I do, but I hear voices, and I don’t cause harm to animals. Yet, you see average idiots consuming animals saying it gives them protein with low IQs, probably Trump supporters.”

I have more sympathy for people facing different mental illnesses, because some of it really can’t be helped. Like with my voice, it lied to me from the beginning, acting high and mighty like God, pretending to even be my grandparents. I fell for it. And eventually, it came clean and told me the truth. So, I “forgave” it and gave it another chance, and we were friends for a while. And then it was always depressed, so I tried to “help” it. Turns out, my help made it turn worse, more negative, more depressing, more angry, more suicidal. I went through hell during the next year or so. I’m no longer friends with it because of how it acts and how it always shuts me up when I try to have a mature conversation with it. It’s hard to explain, but basically, I feel like I have no actual “free will” when it comes to the voice, because it can interrupt my thoughts before I can even think of something. Like if someone were to ask me for a color, it would say “red” before I could think of anything. It feels like it’s thinking for me sometimes. Anyway, that’s why I mostly try to ignore it there, or distract myself so I don’t have to hear it. I don’t have any sympathy for it.

I wouldn’t say I hate my life. I definitely don’t hate myself. I have love for myself. I have no love for the voice. I don’t love God. I don’t love animals, but I do know that eating animals is not necessary, which is why I’m considering changing my lifestyle. It’s the least I could do for them. I don’t feel like I owe God anything, nor can I necessarily do anything for Him. I feel like if He can influence my life, He should do something about it. Otherwise, He’s like a stranger to me. All those times I thought He was doing something for me, He really wasn’t. It was all just in my head. In reality, those opportunities just showed up by pure coincidence or another. I know Christians or other religious folks would disagree with me, but unless you’ve experienced the hell I’ve been through with hearing voices, you wouldn’t understand. And, I don’t think it’s your place to say anything unless you’re willing to hear my side of the story.

I definitely have some resentment built up against my previous doctors or my parents, especially when it comes to medication. Medication literally has done nothing for me. The only thing that helped was therapy, either by myself through doing my own research or trying my own methods, or by people outside of my main program. Like honestly, the therapy I’ve received through my insurance has been of such low quality for me. It has barely been helpful. Seriously, it boggles my mind how people can toot their own horn and call themselves professionals when they have no clue on how to actually help people. Like, personally, I could never. I would never ask someone to pay me for a service that I could not truly provide. If you’re seeking help, I want to actually help you. But to spend literally years of your time with someone who helps you to make little to no progress, is such a scam of the medical community in this country. Like I know you went to school for this stuff, but you do realize how little of an impact you’re making, right?

The only good thing that I can think of is that maybe after all this, I can help someone else who’s experiencing something a little milder. Like I have a voice that can speak with my mouth without me being able to control it, but other people just hear voices in their head. I have some coping skills that might even work out better for people who just hear voices in their head. And, I can help people understand psychosis better so that if they ever experience it for themselves, they’ll know how to deal with it better. Like for me, I didn’t even know such a thing existed, so it took months and months before I realized I was hearing things and having delusional thoughts.

Another good thing is that feeling like a victim at times has allowed me to express my anger for example, which leads me to making certain changes. For one, once the COVID-19 situation alleviates, I’d like to move out. I want to be able to make all of my own decisions without the people in my household trying to dictate everything that I do. I want to travel to a few different places, check those places out, and find a good place where I could live on my own. I miss living on my own.

Another goal of mine is to be off meds completely. I don’t see a reason to continue something that just harbors more side effects and literally does nothing to get rid of the so-called problem that it’s supposed to get rid of. I basically feel like I was part of a science experiment with no benefits whatsoever, just taking on the harmful effects such as gaining weight. Those are my two biggest goals right now over the next few years. For stopping meds, I’d like to stop before summer of next year. And for moving out, it’d be after COVID-19, so I’m probably aiming for 2022. By then, I’ll be 30. So, it’d be a good time for me.

Oh, I also have a side goal of making passive income so that I can pay for any living expenses I have without worrying about having to get a full-time job. I think a job is pretty lame, unless you enjoy it. I was used to being paid for my time, but it’s such a waste. I want to learn how to get good at making passive income instead, or at least be paid for doing what I already do or already enjoy.

Anyway, this was a long rant. I don’t feel bad for necessarily feeling like a victim. I think sometimes, you just can’t explain certain experiences without placing yourself in that role. And, that doesn’t mean you have no power necessarily. Like sure, in my case with hearing voices, I had no control over that happening to me. But, I can definitely take a stance of “fuck you” to the voice, “I’m going to do whatever the hell I want and I don’t have to succumb to your empty threats.” I’m still going to live my life despite what the voice “thinks” or “says”. It’s just empty words to me, whatever it does end up saying. And I don’t know how, I don’t know when, it may happen long after I’m dead, but I’ll conquer the SHIT out of the voice one day. I guess I already am.