Being a “Darkworker”

I first heard about lightworkers and darkworkers through Steve Pavlina’s blog. He talked about how it’s hard to be in a peak state of motivation without polarizing to one or the other. There was definitely a time when I identified as a lightworker and felt motivated for days or even months to take action to achieve my goals because of that. But after hearing voices and experiencing the negative side of that, I feel as if I should polarize as a darkworker.

Now, being a darkworker isn’t as bad as the term sounds if you’re not familiar with what it means. When you’re a lightworker, you focus on the what you can do to help others. But when you’re a darkworker, you focus on self-satisfaction. And honestly, I’m willing to admit that I tend to focus on what can benefit myself rather than others.

I can’t say that I’ve fully polarized yet. I haven’t reached peak levels of motivation in quite a while. One of the questions you would ask yourself as a darkworker is what career can I choose that would make me the happiest (according to Steve Pavlina). (As a lightworker, it would be what career can I choose that would most benefit others.) But honestly, I haven’t 100% figured that out. I’ve tried building my Instagram account to influencer status (currently at 4K followers on my side profile), but it doesn’t really engage me. I’m not interested in the types of comments or messages I receive. It’s purely to eventually monetize it somehow.

I’ve tried music. That’s fun sometimes, but I can get bored so quickly. I think it’d be different if I had a team of people I was producing music with, kind of like how I have a friend who helps me with all the artwork. It’s something I can share my input of without having to put all the effort into it. I just don’t feel as engaged always with producing music on my own. Sometimes, I get bored of the song. Sometimes, I don’t like how it sounds and I have trouble changing it, and I give up. Sometimes, I get tired of editing. So, I don’t know if producing music is really for me. But then again, I haven’t had an opportunity to work with a team in producing songs.

I haven’t polarized to one side or the other, but I can tell I have darkworker tendencies. Like one day, my voice and I were debating about whether I should still be vegan. It argued that maybe God wanted me to eat meat again and be like other human beings who didn’t care about animals. It argued that maybe it would go away if I started eating meat again. I was conflicted, but out of anger, I ended up eating fish and then eventually meat again. I wanted to see if the voice would go away after that. Well, it never did. But I still eat meat. I argued that if something as cruel as a voice or spirit being created in my body could happen without my permission, then animal cruelty didn’t really matter to me. And it’s true, ever since then, I could care less about what was happening to the animals. I thought God didn’t care either, which just makes me feel more angry thinking that, because it makes me question the ethics/morals of God. Like it’s acceptable if I don’t really care about animals because I’m human and I make mistakes, but God is supposed to be perfect and caring. He’s supposed to be a lightworker. Otherwise, if I’m the one caring about animals and God doesn’t, then I’d be the lightworker and God would be imperfect. Does that make sense?

I’m still not vegan. But eventually, I’d like to transition to being vegetarian and then eventually vegan again. Part of it is that I might as well help the animals, even if I don’t care about them. It’s more of a question of whether I HAVE to eat animals, and I don’t, so I shouldn’t. But also, it’d make me feel a little better about hearing voices. I’d feel as if I’m doing something that God Himself can’t do, that I’m better than Him in a sense, and that I will reap some kind of benefit because of this act. I know it kind of sounds egotistic, but I truly do think I am better than God for having the experience of hearing voices and Him not doing anything to alleviate the issue. Even as a darkworker, if someone was hearing voices or had an external spirit stuck inside their body, I’d remove it for them. I wouldn’t torture them like that. But the fact that it’s been almost three years and I still hear voices, does God even exist? And if he does, does he care? And if he does, then why hasn’t he done anything? Is he powerless? Does he have no control on people’s experiences in real life? If so, I don’t want to be Him. I want to have power and control.

You can clearly see how experiencing hearing voices has turned me inwards. I’m much more selfish. That’s not a bad thing. I think it’s okay to act in your own self-interest. I have in the past too when giving became too much for me.

I’m much less selfless when it comes to relationships too. I don’t shave for example. I used to, because I thought that’s what others expected of me. But eventually, I stopped and realized that I want to be accepted for being hairy. Now, I don’t waste my time thinking of and taking care of my appearance so much.

I don’t know too much about how to exactly polarize to being a darkworker. I’ve polarized as a lightworker in the past. I’ve gone out of my way to help people. I’ve stayed up late working. I’ve focused on my appearance for the sake of others. I’ve been nice to people despite how badly they treated me. And eventually, it took a toll on my mental health, I experience first episode psychosis, and then eventually ended up hearing voices. To be honest, if the voice didn’t turn negative and aggressive and violent, I would have probably leaned more towards the lightworker side. But with my experiences, I think it’s best to focus on my happiness, and that is the darkworker side.