…
*sighs*
This is a long, painful story… I wouldn’t even know where to begin. But, I’m ready for the part where my body will be is such good condition, that I say, “Trauma? What is that? I don’t know her, hon.”
I’ve achieved so much by ignoring reality and focusing on the body that I want, the one I’ve always wished for… The energetic, strong, flexible version of myself… And not just the body, but the life…
I’ve suffered, incredibly, in almost every form you can think of. Most of you would never be able to tell, just based off first impressions, or even after several interactions. I’m not the most expressive about it, on most occasions.
But this year, I hit my tipping point, physically… Thankfully, my lower body somehow has recovered. But unfortunately, something is (currently) wrong with my scapular area. And I’m not sure how far the extent of the damage is…
How did this happen?
…
I’m pissed off even thinking about it. Medical decisions were forced on me, without any regard to my physical health… Under highly distressing situations, I was pressured by my caretakers to continue the use of certain medications, regardless of how detrimental the consequences were to my physical health. As a result, I suffered from several issues including: metabolic syndrome, muscle fatigue, exacerbated poor posture, sedentary lifestyle (to the point of being in bed 14-18 hours a day), brain fog, significant executive dysfunction, severe anhedonia, and so much more…
I suffered through hell mentally and emotionally, on several of these medications on higher doses over the years. I’m so pained as I write this both physically and mentally, but I’m also incredibly emotionally… inflamed, just as my body pains have been. I want to cry, but then I want to yell… I want to just hike up a mountain forever, never backing down, and shouting louder and louder as I ascend. I want to forget that this is the hell that I was forced to endure, because it was either that or get locked up, and possibly be put in an even worser condition… Thinking about it makes me shudder.
I am angry… But I don’t have a choice at this point. Whatever I suffered with, whatever I’ve dealt with… I cannot go back and undo all the harm. All I can do in this moment, is decide that I will be the one to decide what happens to me from now on out…
In less than a year, I lost over 20 lbs from my peak weight without direct assistance from a personal trainer or dietitian. I did this despite having such severe tendonitis that I could hardly cook for myself anymore. And I had to deal with the most chaotic kitchen situation that still is not conducive to my health goals. I went from completely sedentary to now being able to stand well over an hour, and walk several hours a day. I can climb uphill with minimal to no breaks. I can engage in brisk walking. I can sprint in short bursts without my chest collapsing on me, without needing to use a rescue inhaler. I don’t know how much I’ve reduced my cholesterol (will find out soon), but I’ve curbed my cravings significantly. I easily drink 5-6 cups of water a day, sometimes more. I refrain from keep junk foods or soft drinks around the house. Hopefully, my cholesterol levels will have gone down significantly enough that I won’t need to be on another lifetime irreversible medication. Speaking of reversals, I’ve reversed parts of my tendonitis. I can play piano again for up to 30 minutes at a time. I can now type out entire articles again. I can deal with greater resistance in both my hands and arms. I can carry things for longer periods of time. I’ve developed greater range of motion. I’ve toned up parts of my body (e.g. legs, belly) to the point that some previous scars, dips, and stretchmarks have gradually lessened. And on top of all these health problems, there were plenty of other issues running in the background that I had to deal with…
I’ve done this much, and there’s still more to go… I don’t know how close I am to crossing over, to the side where I don’t have to deal with these debilitating pains. I’m tired of pausing my dreams, my goals, my aspirations, my life, because of something I never asked for.
The decisions are still in my hands, but look different now… At this point, I’m praying that someone can fully diagnose whatever is going on with my scapular area, and hopefully whatever else needs to be resolved… Since February 1, 2025 (it is now October 22, 2025 as I’m writing this), I had been recovering from wrist tendonitis, extending to my upper back. I’m ready for this to be fully recovered, fully healed. I want to cry again as I think about how much longer it may take.
…and, fuck, I’ll say it because I don’t want to bottle this up.
…
I hope to God that I don’t need surgery to fix this. And I sincerely wish that I can heal this naturally as much as possible…
…
*deep inhale*
…
*deep exhale*
I… just want my life. Please…
If anyone knows of any specialist or expert for tendonitis, spine, or scapular related issues, please let me know. Someone will be looking into this issue soon for me… I’m not confident if they can help, just because it never came up before. Otherwise, I’m open to any recommendations friends have, anywhere in the US or around the world honestly…
Let’s wish for a happy continuation… not an “ending”, but the new part of the healed journey…
<3
2025-10-22